The first email:

Dear Dana Community: Please know that we, and other members of the University, are doing everything we can to control the fruit fly population in the Dana Building. Representatives from OSEH have visited the building and have not found the flies to present a health hazard. The Plant Department has acted to control the fly population and will continue to do so. However, it is likely that we won't be completely rid of the pests until the weather becomes cool. In the meantime, please practice vigilance in ensuring that you do not leave food on desks, in wastebaskets, etc., as this provides an opportunity for breeding and continued reproduction of the flies.

One can only assume that, to help further the understanding of the situation, one recipient provided this information to the others:

i would like you all to understand that because we hold fish in aquaria in the basement, in an approved animal handling lab, we cannot just spray for the bugs and kill the fish. also, spraying is not a great alternative to use in the dana building anyway.

This made someone else wonder:

So the health and well-being of some fish are more important than the working environment of all us humans in the building?

Finally, someone responded with a real solution:

Dear concerned persons or personages,

Many of you may be unaware of this, but there may be a spot of trouble with "fruit flies" (genus tephritidae) in the Dana building here at SNRE. If only there were some sort of bulk email list so this sort of information could be spread more swiftly? But alas, that is a problem for another day.

Apparently, these tephritidae have become quite the nuisance. Insecticides may not be used due to the presence of a lab in the building where fish are used in experiments to breed a race of atomic super mutants. But again, that is neither here nor there. Also, good hygiene and general cleanliness are right out as well. Honestly, who here has the time or inclination to remove rotting food from ones desk or waste basket? What do they think we are? If I wanted to be a monkey butler, I would have gone to Monkey Butler Community College like my dear Papa, not the U of M.

Therefore We have a modest proposal as an alternate and 'green' way of dealing with this biblical plague of blood sucking tephritidae. Three words my friends: Brown Recluse Spiders or Loxosceles reclusa to be more anal about it. The plan is genius in its simplicity and simple in its geniusnessity. We release a few thousand Loxosceles reclusa in Dana, which of course will take care of those devious flies in a humane and natural way.

Of course, the more faint of heart among you may be worried about releasing a horde of poisonous arachnids on campus. Let me assure you though, they cannot tolerate temperatures below 40 degrees Fahrenheit. So chances are slim that they will spread from the Dana building. That is, unless of course they manage to stow away in some faculty, staff, or students hair or clothing. Have no fear, this eventuality is also covered. We shall be handing out a pamphlet, "Brown Recluse Spiders and You or How to Live with Volcano Lesions" in which We suggest you use the buddy system to prevent the escape of Loxosceles reclusa from Dana.

You know, a simple process of "You scratch my back for a spider that is soft-bodied, yellowish-tan to dark brown, about 1/4 to 1/2 inch long and have long, has delicate grayish to dark brown legs covered with short, dark hairs, a leg span about the size of a half dollar, three pairs of eyes arranged in a semicircle on the forepart of the head and a violin-shaped, dark marking immediately behind the semicircle of eyes with the neck of the violin pointing towards the bulbous abdomen, and I'll scratch your back for a spider that is soft-bodied, yellowish-tan to dark brown, about 1/4 to 1/2 inch long and have long, has delicate grayish to dark brown legs covered with short, dark hairs, a leg span about the size of a half dollar, three pairs of eyes arranged in a semicircle on the forepart of the head and a violin-shaped, dark marking immediately behind the semicircle of eyes with the neck of the violin pointing towards the bulbous abdomen."

In the unlikely event that the Loxosceles reclusa themselves become a problem, plans are already underway for a shipment of swallows. Bids are currently under review from companies in Europe and Africa.

Thank you, and good day.